Here’s the thing.
1: I have a number of problems at the moment.
2: I also have quite a lot of plans, backup plans, back up of back up plans, alternate plans, and so on. I tend to like to stack the odds heavily in my favor, and have a solution to any problem I can see in future. So, in short, I know what I ought to do.
3: however… the problems are… essentially outside my ability to alter, at present. An analogy might be that you can have every piece of safety equipment ever for rock climbing, even a parachute and 5x extra pitons, super rope, multiple points of failure control… but a stupid eagle or something could dislodge a rock above you and it smashes your head. And you can… predict that, but theres nothing you can do to directly counteract it, other than be aware of it and try to adjust accordingly.
To that end, my current problem is… well, hard to sum up exactly, but I guess in brief it goes A: I started my new meds a couple days ago. B: over these past couple days, I have been so insanely depressed and apathetic to the point of hungering for suicide nearly constantly, and thus Ive hidden myself away in videogames every waking moment for the time being. I do this because it is a distraction from the dark thoughts, and I had hoped/ do hope that doing something objectively fun will kick me out of my subjective depression and lack of fun. So far, no. Though there have been… fleeting moments where I feel those little sparks of ideas, the sparks Ive been trying to get back in general for the last few months and turn them into the flames they used to be.
Further, objectively I can look at myself and my past and medical studies and try to draw some observations and educated guesses. For example, this depression could be a reaction to adjusting to the new drugs and thus will pass in a few days. Or it could be the drugs themselves, and thus not pass. Or it could be simply a wave of despair, that can just happen sometimes, and again will thus pass with time. Or it could be because of some resent events, and until those are corrected, I may just be sad about them.
…all in all though, the only logical recourse is to, for the moment, wait. A few more days. If its not better within 10 total days (the estimated time given for my brain to adjust to a new drug of this type), then I start contacting doctor and tweaking factors in the experiment, having established something of a ‘control’.
However, I do have a couple observations, which I thought Id write out here… to get my thoughts down at least, and hell maybe some of you will find this interesting, or if you have similar issues yourself, might be helpful.
Observations:
1: I am… cold. Not temperature, I mean emotionally. I am normally quite empathetic to others pains, and now when I hear of them I still /care/ but I dont feel the usual empathetic emotional response. I frankly feel very… vulcan. I can recognize you are in pain, and I can genuinely want to help you. But I dont… feel for you. Its just… the right thing to do so I do so. Its a bit difficult to verbalize emotions at the best of times, more so now that I sort of dont have any, and yet… theyre still there, just… kind of at arms’ length.
2: however, somewhat counter to that, I went and did the grocerie and meds shopping since my dad is quite sick today (don’t worry. Just a very strong cold.) While shopping, I was out of the house, out of my little attic recluse, and I… well, I did what Ive spoken to my shrink and a couple close friends about: I was this other me. Not… a multiple personality disorder type thing, but just a sort of different lens that I am… aware of. Its quite a long story… but then since I have nothing else to do at the moment, and this is sort of just writing down scientific observations for myself anyway, I shall elaborate. Basically, it has a number of factors. Firstly, I seem to have sort of 2 major attitudes, not counting the “something is wrong” attitude set, which is, for an apt example, when I’m on new meds or extremely sick/in huge pain, and similar scenarios that mess with my perception. Those are not really me, theyre more… animalian response sets. So, that third, which is a blob of various possible causes, does not count as one of the two major forms of scully you’ll encounter. These two major… “facades”,– though theyre not artificial or forced or faked,– theyre just… overarching mood archetypes I seem to go in. The two main ones are
A: the cold, logical, somewhat dark, incredibly analytical, quieter, impatient, intellectual and if Im honest probably a bit elitist, side. This is the…persona, the version of me, where I plan everything, observe as objectively as possible, and try to be the most rational and… basically a friggin Vulcan mixed with a bit of sherlock holmes or hannibal lecter.
B: the fun, quick witted, funny, always ready to try something new, eager to explore and discover, goofy (eg, crossdressing at 4am for a laugh with friends), fairly suave, somewhat vain, highly emotional and really artsy persona/version of me.
…however, that all said, I know from memory and from others’ comments about me that there was a time when I was a pretty good balance of both. Analytical, intellectual, logical, plan ahead, rational, objective, but also empathetic, fun loving, funny, feeling and creating type person.
This third state, which my friend Kris calls “seth” (very long story, which I will never explain), is the one I am trying to get back to. I have had a great many bad things happen, both physically and psychologically/emotionally in the last couple years which has… warped me. I and friends and shrinks can all see that. So, as said before about my irritstion that lately I write 5 stories a year at my best effort and previously I wrote 500 without trying, it seems a fairly logical inference that getting back to that state is best for all concerned. I’m happy and productive again, which allows me to make a living, have a life, and so on, and for others I’m a better person/friend and more fun to be with. Win-win, right?
Thats what all these meds and therapies and experiments are all about. I’m trying to get that ‘seth’ version of me back. The ultimate version of me, to maximize my life and potential.
Ive had quite a lot of time to think about all this over the last few years. On my own, and with friends and psychologists and doctors and so on. In short: that is what must happen.
…but the trick is getting it TO happen.
Which is how we get here now.
So, back to my point of a few paragraphs ago, when grocerie shopping I… consciously and unconsciously tried to be that. I was calculating and logical: did my task cooly and efficiently, but I was also fun: I smiled at people, I made jokes with a little old lady who liked my hat, I listened to and actually felt some music, and similar things.
Which… granted, isnt a whole lot of data to go on, but I currently think a fairly logical takeaway from that is that the theory positted by some shrinks and others–namely, that I need to get out of the house and be around actual humans because solitary confinement does terrible things to the mind–is correct.
So, the next steps are to fiddle with variables in the experiment. Assuming access (weather, health, and so on) I will go and try to do some work in a place with people, like a coffee shop or pub or library. Even if I dont talk to anyone, from what I’ve been told and read, simply being around other people, especially in a new environment, helps the mind. So, I shall attempt this promptly.
Next thing I want to fiddle with is “working” with other people. I put quotes around the word because they wouldnt exactly be co-writing with me, but I would quite like having someone(or several) who… give a fuck about me, are interested in my work, and are happy to discuss it. For most of my life, I had a “best friend” (quotes here because he turned out to be unbelieveably hurtful, and his betrayal is part of why I have such bad psych issues at the moment) and he and I would just… friggin talk. We’d discuss the new ideas for stories and worlds and characrers and whatever, and just… TALK. Share, think, and my creativity would feed off the new ideas and inspirations and different perspectives and talkjng things out just really helps you think.
Hell, thats sorta why Im writing this now, eh?
So… I hope to find a new one(s). Loneliness is also a big contributor to my despair and apathetic depression. I am currently reaching out to a couple people with… flashes of success. Further experimentation and observation is necessary to really proceed in any meaningful quantity there.
*thinking*
So… that’s why Ive been so quiet lately, really. Between medications and hardhsips and my damned uncooperative brain, I just… I literally CAN’T write or create. Even a stupid blog post.
The reason I wrote this one is… well, for one I forced myself to out of guilt for not posting in a while, for two I am currently trapped in the bathroom and its either do this or stare at the wall so I chose this, and for three… I dunno. I felt compelled to somewhat, and the logical side of my brain reasoned that writing things out might help me see them in a new way or simply be therapeutic, since, as previously mentioned, I dont really have anyone to confide in anymore, might as well put it here.
*musing*
Observationally, I do feel sorta… more clear headed now that Ive written all this out. Which again seems to point towards the whole “being all alone is making you crazier, damnit” thing. So, get out of the house more, and…
….I’m not sure how to put this second thought.
…hope that the friends I currently suspect I have, actually are, and that they will help.
….however, the cold side of me points out in general in my life experience, I can’t rely on other people. Over the last 2 years or so Ive tried to adopt a new policy of “assume they will not be of help, and make sure you can ‘win’ without them. That way, if they turn out bad as many others have, you still win, and if they turn out to be good people, then you just win extra. This way, its much harder to lose.”
I realize that might sound “mean” but it really isnt, its just… cold and objective. Im not saying my friends are bad, not at all. Im just saying many have turned out to be so, and thus if I can be prepared to win in that sad eventuality, Ill still win. It’s… only logical.
*shrug* Of course, if i’m honest, Id love to think I can just trust and rely on my friends by default. But we dont live in that world. And, well, learn from history. Id never do anything to harm a friend, but given that others have not shared that view, even ones I trusted for vast chunks of my entire life, it is perfectly reasonable to prepare for that to happen again, and plan accordingly.
Still.
I observe a great deal. I try to… ‘get’ people. And as far as I can tell, most people dont have this/these problem(s).
Ha, then again, one shrink did say candidly that they were amazed how… not crazy I am, given that I have quote: “had more horrible experiences in the last few years than most do in an entire lifetime or more.”
*shrug* all in all?
TL;DR: I’m still figuring shit out.
And we just have to see what happens.
But really… that’s life. In a nutshell. Life is about effort and adaptation. From microbial all the way up to us. You keep trying, keep adapting… until you die. Welcome to life.
Scully
Wandering Skull 