I was just thinking about a hypothetical question in an imaginary interview, which is kid of a variation on a question I actually do get asked from time to time.
Roughly (though im sure a journalist could phrase it better) the question is “how do you think, or why is it you see things from a, to the rest of us, rather weird perspective?”
Ive had to give an answer to the general thrust of this question a number of times. A few times to psychoanalysts etc but also to just a few curious people after I say one too many weird things and they wanna know what the hell is going on up there.
So… it’s difficult to describe, but I actually find it quite interesting and will do my best to explain.
Part 1: touchy feely shiny brain
Many times when debating something I might say something just doesnt feel right. …and while for most people that is a euphemism, for me it is rather literal. See, from what Im told, I have some variation on synesthesia, which is a condition youre free to look up but briefly, some wires get mixed. The most common form of synesthesia is people perceiving sounds as colors. Whether it is an actual halucination, or merely inside your head (eg, if i ask you to visualize a red ball you dont ACTUALLY see it, but you do ‘see’ it, right? Same idea.) seems to be up to the individual. I have that too. But my brain takes it a step further… and as youll see, quite a few leaps and bounds beyond that too.
When I hear music, I visualize a color, shape (in the form of a 3d object), its orientation, its position relative to other sounds/objects, how bright it is, and a texture. So… I did an experiment one time to prove the point, and listened to some minimalist techno (so as to have fewer variables and thus less clutter) and tried to note down what I experienced.
First off of course, I heard the sounds. But then I saw a fuzzy, fuzzy like a cat tail, electric deep yet brilliant blue wiggly line over here, and it was going up and down and back and forth on alternating beats. If i remember right, it was a simple synth keyboard loop that was help keeping the beat. Then the drums, slow and regular bass, they kicked in with a hihat finish on each. And there were 3 lime green cylinders over here instead, in a row, with a little golden top kinda like ancient asian rice paddy hat shaped on each. They were in a row, and were very thick and i knew they were heavy. They rose and fell in smooth, regular motion, one after another in a ripple, kinda like pistons in a car.
And so on, you get the general idea.
Weird, right?
But I grew up thinking everyone was like that. I remember arguing whether something as an acousic or electric guitar with my dad when I was about 9 (the radio was on) and he couldnt figure out which part I meant, I kept demanding “the blue part! The blue part! Not the light blue, the darker, kinda blueberry blue! Over there! That part!” And I remember him just going 
at me.
Cuz, well, I thought everyone saw the music they heard. Made sense to me.
Further, remember I said the blue was “over here” and the green was “over here“? Well, thats because I also think in a sort of zero gravity desk. Right here are people, over here are events, over here are general memories, over here are fears, and in the middle, usually, is new ideas, right up and center where I can see them. But I actually move things around to make them make more sense, rather like rearranging puzzle pieces until you find the damn corner piece.
…however, it gets weirder.
I THINK in shapes, colors, textures, placements, and even associated noises and things.
This… is where it gets really complicated and at best I can say “well it makes sense to me but Im sure it sounds bizarre and/or insane.”
So… I literally think with objects. A new idea starts off as like a blob of silly putty. Unless it already has some connotations with it, in which case it might be more like a rock, or powder, or a bundle of sticks… lots of things.
Example. A “person” in the vaguest, purest platonic ideal form in my head is a blob of green putty stuff, about the size of a football, and kinda looks like a cell begining to split, with a smaller sphere starting to nudge its way out of the top. Or like a melted snowman, if you prefer a less nerdy analogy. Now… if its male, generally it then moves slightly off center left, and vice versa for females. Then… well, all kinds of color, texture, weight, orientation/position, shapes, material added and removed, other types of material added or removed… and so on. And thats how I think. I also think in words and pictures and such like normal people, but when im mulling over an idea, thats whats happening. Im molding this thing until it makes sense, until it feels right. Im shaving off a rough patch or sticking on a chunk of something else over here or breaking off a spiney protrusion and trying to figure out how to smooth off the broken base… and thats me thinking. Again, along with also an internal monolgue and imagery and such, but theyre sorta… floating around it, like people or tvs positioned around me. And I do this until it ‘makes sense.’
People usually then ask how I can tell it makes sense. Does it become a particular color? Does it interract with another object and they connect or something?
Well, sometimes sure, but thats not the indicator that its ‘right’
….and this is again where its hard to explain. It is thought without language. Ive studied (partially) over a dozen languages in my life, and spent plenty of time looking up scientific and medical jargon or anything I might find to get the right words. As of time of writing and my research, the right words dont exist.
I just… feel it. Kinda like, oh, feeling youre going to have diarrhea later. How do you know? Well… cuz my stomach feels like it. Feels like what? Feels like diarrhea.
Same idea. How do I interpret my shapes and such? I… interpret them by dint of their being themselves. I know its done because… its done. How do I know its done? …because its done. It sounds stupid but I really just dont have the words for it. Again, how do you know youre tired? Well, when you get tired. And how do you know when you get tired? …when youre tired.
Oh, a thought:
Another way to think of it might be… I was thinking about when I first started learning kanji, and my whole life kanji always looked like goobledegook nonsense. They looked like an inkwell pen exploded, it was just a mess of lines in bullshit nauseating patterns. Then after about a week of studying, I saw the side of the box for my new phone and read “cell phone” in kanji in my head, without thinking. I did NOT translate it, I just… knew what it MEANT.
…its kinda like that. Kris has asked me what he looks like in my head, since Ive gotten to know him on a fairly personal level and thus have refined his shape a lot over the years, adding and removing, changing color and so on and so forth. Kris looks like… a large-ish sphere, maybe a bit smaller than a dodgeball. He is very very smooth, like polished glass, but also slightly sticky and squishy, i suppose like a giant polished piece of taffy. He is a gentle orangey-peach color with white tiger stripes and swirls. He has a couple pyramidal shapes that are much harder, like stone, and rougher but clean cut and still shiny that stick out at seemingly odd angles. Whenever i try to focus on one, they move around. I think there are about 5, maybe up to 8 of these pyramids on his surface. Theyre not always there. Kris also has a light source behind and to the left of him, relative to my vision… and is not quite a perfect ball shape, its slightly squished out like a skittles candy but much less pronounced, its only a slight squish. There is also occassionally a small black oval on the surface, but it too moves around like the pyramid shapes and I cant wipe it off no matter how hard I try.
….now to any psych students or professionals reading this, hope it got you curious. I certainly find it weird.
It could also explain why I love manipulating little objects so much, like clay… and legos
Which brings me into part 2: lego brain
So, not only do i have these shapes for thoughts, but they also interract. Some even fit together and move like mechanical engineering parts such as gears and levers, or get glued on to another to become part of a bigger whole, or popped off and reused elsewhere.
And… again, I’m sure this sounds weird to you who dont think like this. Because, well, trying to explain it shows me how weird it is and I live it, Im sure it sounds a hundred times as bizarre to someone who cant experience it.
However… it does bring me to a bit of a point, besides “arent human brains super cool and weird? Neato!”
I think everyone should play with legos, at least as children, and hell, still to this day if you can. Even if you just buy a baggie of those 2x4s and fiddle with them… i genuinely think youll see a change in the clarity of your thought and new solutions, new possibilities.
I certainly do.
When i build with legos, things… fall into place. Its like phsyically manipulating those strange thought blobs I think in, but in reality. When i build up that wall, a thought seems… sturdier, more correct. When I make the plane more aerodynamic, im streamlining a process idea. I feel it is very much a “life imitates art” situation, but “legos imitate subconscious problems and make them feel more fixable.”
I really recommend playing with legos while grappling with some difficult decision. Just let your hands do their thing. Dont have a plan, just have a box of em and build… whatever you build.
Kinda like… interpreting dreams, I guess. You can see what your subconscious is fretting about, through your hands. If you dream about, say, hospitals a lot, maybe youre worried about your health. And if you keep building cars and trains, maybe you really want to travel. Not sure, but its a thought to consider.
Legal warning: of course as I am not a licensed professional in either medical or psyciatric care I cannot dispense medical advice. These opinions and observations are simply that: opinions and observations. Try them at your own risk, I will not be held liable.
…i mean think of the dangers. You could drop one in the carpet and step on it in the night. Terrible.
Anyway, back to my point(s?). Legos and clay are really amazing things for helping thinking, and for just… they make the world make more damn sense, man. Not to mention how surprisingly calming it is to just fiddle with something. Further, there is a good little warm fuzzy sense of accomplishment once your sculpture/house/space ship/whatever is completed. I made that. I accomplished a thing. A small thing, but a thing. Hell, thats why there is a product called “thinking putty.”
Thinking putty too is a great help to me. Its… maleable. First off its simply distracting, and I suspect distracting certain bits of the brain frees up others to concentrate better at the issue you really want to focus on. I think Ive read that in some science journal somewhere. It makes sense, at least.
And further, for me personally, I can look at the blob in my hands and stretch it. And then… no, thats not right. Fold it. No… squish it, start over. I fold and stretch and twist and squish and fiddle with it for ages, and… again, Im not a neuroscientist but I can tell you anecdotally from my experience, it really does help me think. Hence the good, if rather blunt, product name.
Also, no, neither company has paid me to write this or has any idea who I am. I again am just writing… well rambling really, about some interesting brain stuff and related things.
…though, thinking putty, lego… if yall wanna send me free stuff, I wouldnt say no XD.
But thats not why Im talking here. Im here to share something I and a few others have found really interesting: my weird brain, and to discuss how it relates to other things, like mechanical engineering and art.
Speaking of…
Theres a game on steam called world of guns (again, nope, not sponsored.) That I one day just kinda figured “eh what the hell Im bored out of my mind and its free, Ill give it a shot.” So… its not really a game per se anymore than say a jigsaw puzzle or rubicks cube is a game. The game consists of taking apart a gun down to every last little pin and bolt and spring, then putting it all back together again. Well, theres also challenges like doing it without any errors or under a certain time, but thats basically it. Oh, and you can see it in action (mechanically) in various levels of slow-mo, to really see exactly what parts are moving or compressing etc. Frankly, its a learning tool.
But I loved it. Still do, though I dont really have much time for it these days.
I found taking apart and putting back together a colt 1911 to be the most profoundly deep meditation I have ever had in a lifetime of meditating. It was… enthralling, yet utterly relaxed. It was intense and required incredible focus to do correctly, and yet it was also so slow, calm, peaceful, and quiet… it was marvellous.
I actually really want to buy a 1911, dont even need bullets, just so I can take it apart and put it back together again over and over for real with my actual hands, whenever I really want to relax or meditate or even help counter an anxiety attack. I may never even fire the thing, itd just be like the legos or thinking putty. A hand to brain connection.
So what about that is so profound, for such a simple premise and goal?
I discussed that with my dad, and he thinks its because I have to keep track of hundreds of little pieces all in the right order, but theres also no penalty, no rush, no urgency. I can just really let my mind think about ONE thing. That damn spring. Im not thinking about my shitty exes or my illness or my scary work or anything besides making sure I pull the pins out in the right order. That is the only thing that matters in my universe right now. Just thinking about the pins, the springs, and nothing else.
Which is the same reason I love thinking putty and legos
And encourage all of you to try all 3. To me, theyre brilliant. See how you feel about them?
Thats all for now. I could go on, like about how when Im composing or playing piano music I can hear when I do a note wrong, but I also see it wrong in my head, it kinda looks like when you get those damn air bubbles trapped under a sheet of protective plastic you know? A little imperfection, a dent or bump where there shouldnt be. And by god does it irk me. To me, piano music usually looks like an unrolling sheet of satin, in a rich, dark purple. And a missed note is a little crease or pinch which is bright blue and messes it all up. Which is also why if you hear me play and make a mistake, I do that whole section over again, because a new fabric has to unfold again in my mind otherwise that blue dot drives me mad.
Also, on a fun note, I can’t read sheet music. Well, sorta kinda barely. I know the basic shapes of whole, half, quarter etc notes, and I get that if you go up the bars it gets higher, go down, lower. I get that. But I cant look at a chord and just go “oh, C minor.” Or whatever. …im working on it. I used to be quite good at piano as a kid actually but I learned by just parroting the teacher as best I could and then doing it over and over until 1: i had the whole song memorized and 2: it just… sounded right. The blue bumps were gone, and the fabric rolled out smoothly.
So now as an adult trying to relearn piano is haaaaaard D: but thats a story for another day.
For now, I hope you found this all interesting, and maybe a little inspirational.
Skull
PS: also, I once remade deck-16 (an unreal tournament famous map. Google it.) out of lego, which might be the coolest thing I ever did with them besides the robot kits (which are awesome)
PPS: I wrote this originally sort of out of desperation. Something was very not right, I felt extremely intensely holy shit Im going to die sick. I needed a distraction. Now. Think of something happy. Um um um um legos. …you know, I sorta think in legos, in a way. ….you know, people have asked me to explain my weird brain before, with the whole shapes thing… you know, that could make a good article. …you know, I have my phone… yeah. Here goes.
Which is why this is full of nonsequitors and typos, Im sure. Im most likely twigging out from the new meds, but typing this out really helped a lot actually. Hmm.
PPPS: art teacher suggested I make sculptures of how I see certain songs. I dont have the materials for it now, but would anyone be interested in seeing that?
Wandering Skull 